Sinfulness of Sin Denied by Domestic Abusers and the Church

Listening to this sermon (here) really helped me understand how abusers think and the physiological harm they heap on their victims over a period of years. This is also very helpful as to why a few women I've met throughout the years seemed to be off emotionally. They have been in a POW camp for crying out loud!!

In an earlier post I mentioned a friend of mine who endured many years of abuse from a man who was brought up in a church. She recently fled that abuser, yet he still attends that church (of course she had to leave).

Every pastor needs to hear this important message. We must understand the mentality of the worst kind of wolf that often harbor in churches and deceives many with their charm, fake repentance and counterfeit spirituality.

Here is a little spoiler of how victims and church leaders should take nothing less than a Paulific repentant transformation from alleged abusers: "Finding out that you're a verbal abuser/controller is a bit like falling down the rabbit hole. Your entire reality is shaken to the core to find out your relationships are broken, and that those around are frightened of you; that something is horribly wrong with the way that you view and communicate with the world. It is a very scary and life changing event. That is the spirit of fear...that is the Holy Spirit at work. It is the trauma of seeing ourselves as we really are; condemned before God."

Sermon HERE

Related Links:

Where are the Shepherds?

Pretend Repentance is Worse Than No Repentance

Sermon Series: Domestic Violence and Abuse

I've been listening to a sermon series by Jeff Crippen of Christ Reformation Church on domestic violence and other abuses. 

"Before we can deal with an abuser we have to get these logs out of our eyes...lots of them."

"The Christian church has not done a good job in helping the victims of abuse. In fact we harbor abusive people. Why is that? This is suppose to be the pillar and support of truth."

Series HERE.

Why Are Young People Leaving the Church?

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. 

Likewise urge the young men to be sensible;  in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us. Titus 2:3-8 (Emphasis mine)

What I've seen over the 20 years of being a Christian is young people graduate high school or college who leave youth group/student ministry and follow their peers to younger churches. 

Those younger and hip churches lack older saints who have a gold mine of life time wisdom who are not connecting with these younger men and women. This gap creates an environment of immature baby Christians, who learn from more immature Christians, and they remain immature Christians.

Over time this problem creates an imbalance of age groups in biblical churches.

So why is this happening?

Age segregation defies the Titus 2 main principle of discipleship. The passage above is singular in context of a one on one relationship.

 If we separate young people in to their own culture within the church they'll have a hard time connecting and bonding with older men and women in the church's main population.

These older folks are also their family; come to the church of Jesus and find your uncles, fathers, brothers and grandfathers. It is not biblical for my children to depend solely on their peers for fellowship. "He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm." Proverbs 13:20

This is mainly the parents' responsibility to encourage and enable their kids form connections with older saints, but what happens if there are young people who are without parental support? Perhaps their father or both parents are unbelievers and they are not getting the discipleship training they need. That is where the church can jump in and use hospitality, spiritually adopt a young person, and demonstrate an authentic Christian home.

Often times the young person of an unbelieving family are sent to a youth group with their friends, but they are not getting one on one from a mature Christian. They often slip through the cracks and go on unchallenged in their Christian walk.

Even though I disagree with Mike Hauser's pragmatic philosophy of WHY young people are leaving the church they grew up in, I do agree with his solution because it lines up more to the biblical standard.  




Related articles:

Reflection on Becoming a Titus 2 Woman by Sherry Wilson

Pyromanics: "Too many old people"?

Ongoing Pastoral Counseling of an Abuser is a Formula for Trouble

I was part of a women's ministry for many years, and even in that environment the afflicted women were coaxed to get their Titus 2 on and go back to their husbands.

I don't understand the point in having shepherds if they won't protect the weak in the flock they vowed to protect; very sad.

"It has occurred to me lately that we are hearing about a very common pattern experienced by Christians who are abuse victims. They have gone to their pastor for help and the pastor decided to start meeting regularly with the abuser to counsel and “fix” the problem. Some time goes on – perhaps months or longer. Pastor and abuser meeting, talking, fixing. Then the inevitable day arrives. The victim receives a call or note from the pastor asking that she begin to meet with her husband and the pastor. It seems that great progress has been made and now it is time to get her involved. What should she do?"

"Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go."

Full article here.

Related article:

Signs Your Husband May be Addicted to Pornography

Horrible Advice From an Elder

In the middle of my second separation from my abusive ex-husband, the elder of our church called. He called to inform me my soul was in danger. It did not matter that my physical life, my emotional life was in danger from the abuse. He insisted that there was something much worse for me. “God hates divorce,“ he said. “Go back to your husband. Submit to him. Put a hundred and ten percent into the marriage what you want out of it. It will work. He is not abusive. He has poor coping skills that’s all.”

Full article here.

Christian Counselor Litmus Test

Forgiveness

I've never been popular. I guess you can call me the black sheep in my family, school and even church. My lack of conformity to unspoken rules has always made it hard for me to assimilate with the majority. 

I often ask "Why?" in certain situations, and sometimes it gets me in trouble. For example, if someone asks me why I don't wear a dress to church, I will as politely as I can, ask why and where that is in scripture? Would Jesus love me less if I wore pants? I tend to share what I'm thinking and feeling and sometimes it makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I'm trying to be more congenial in these situations, but it doesn't come naturally.

Being somewhat awkward and unyielding in nature has made me a target for mistreatment even among professing Christians. They often feel justified in their slights and disregard towards me. I've also been verbally trampled upon by a well known Christian leader in my community for sharing a concern of mine. In my confusion, sensitivity, and despair I withdrew, licked my wounds while bitterness would root in my heart defiling many. 

Frankly I expect more from Christians. I would forgive with the condition in my mind hoping that the Holy Spirit in their growth in sanctification would show them their error, and they will ask me for their forgiveness. I would day dream there would be tears, hugs, and reconciliation, but it never happens. Month after month, year after year they continue to go along as if nothing ever happened, justified in their poor treatment towards a sister in Christ.

With all that said, let me get one thing straight, I'm not saying I'm a victim. I know that there is at least some responsibility on my part in every situation. I'm sure there are also plenty of people that I have wounded unaware. I hope I would do anything to help restore our relationship. My heart is deceitfully wicked and who can know it? I'm far from perfect.

I've been thinking, researching, and praying about forgiveness, and the Lord revealed something big to me. In this verse Jesus teaches Peter in the following passage:

Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

I've always thought the above verse meant the amount of sins to forgive and forgiveness is a one time deal. However, my heart would reveal there is still unforgiveness even after I thought I dealt with it. I noticed the word "sin" is singular. This is really important. I have to REPEATEDLY chose to forgive for even the same sin. Forgiveness is a process and seven times may not be enough. I may have to forgive that person hundreds of times out of obedience to the Lord until my heart is free from that burden.

I've experienced this with my parents. Before I was even saved I harbored a lot of anger and bitterness towards them. I'm not going in to details here because I still want to honor them, but forgiving them even as a Christian was a long process that took many years. I spent much time in confession to the Lord of my resentment. Eventually those painful memories that I held on to began to fade. The Lord set my heart free of the hurt that previously imprisoned me. It is true that if I forgive, I will eventually forget. I now have an amazing relationship with my mother and father.

Forgiveness is not easy for any of us. Forgiveness my require a lifetime of forgiving. It is so important to the Lord that I forgive and forgive again until the matter is completely settled in my heart. It is for my good because He loves me.

O Magnify the Lord With Me ~ A Marriage Plea

Since I've been homeschooling these last three years, I haven't had much time to write what's been on my heart as much. For this season in my life, I'll have to let videos and other authors do it for me.

I was moved deeply by this sermon excerpt from a wedding on May 19, 2012. Bob Jennings, who gave the service, went home to be with Jesus shortly after in November 2012.

Do You Really Love Your Neighbor?

What makes me sad and feel helpless as a mother is to see subtle social bullying by those who profess to be Christian. If you claim to know Jesus Christ as your Savior and you shun, avoid, spurn or ignore people who are different...repent, or better yet examine yourself to see if you're in the faith. You are called to love your neighbor as yourself.

When God saved me 20 years ago, the first thing I noticed was the love I had for His people. It confused me when I would see Christians treating other believers poorly. I'm not saying I've never done it, but this behavior should not be a regular part of our lives. 

The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 1 John 4:8

Charo Washer ~ Being a Wife and Mother

For those who know me or read my blog must know that I highly admire Paul Washer. I have his same passion for the lost, false converts, the church, and the family.

 Here is his wife, Charo, who gave an amazing testimony in 2006 of her own false conversion as a missionary and pastor's wife. Since then she has experienced our God's amazing transformation and is teaching on the family. I like that there is not a whole lot of fluffy or flowery talk. This is just straight up wisdom which I believe women really need in our day. Even though this is a translation it's still worth the time.

Dear son, don’t let Robin Thicke be a lesson to you

You know when secular blogs (conservative and liberal alike) say you've gone over the line...you've gone over the line...Robin Thicke.

"Men are loyal. Men are honest. Men respect and honor women. A man goes out and finds one woman, and he vows to protect and love her for the rest of his life. A man would never betray that vow. Even the weakest and most cowardly man — if he is a man at all — would die for the woman he loves."

Full article here.

Death Is Not Dying ~ Rachel Barkey

A very moving final testimony from a young Christian woman, Rachel Barkey, who died of cancer a couple of years ago. This is a must watch video for women of all ages.

 

Dealing with Rejection by Dr. Frank Gagliano

"We live in a world that chooses its favorites and rejects the leftovers."

This is excellent. Full sermon HERE

Part 2 HERE

Jesus, Pastors and Manhood - Voddie Baucham

Wow! This man can preach. Check out this amazing 3 minute excerpt on pastors, manhood and Jesus.

More fit to be called a devil, than a parent - Richard Baxter

Richard Baxter was a prominant preacher in England in the 1600's and he believed in family worship. He went to every home of his church and taught the parents how to have family worship. 



Family Worship Page

Daily Christian Devotionals

Dying to Self

My friend gave me permission to share this. original here.

“Suppose you have been neglected or unforgiven. You sting with the hurt of the insult from such an oversight, but your heart is happy because you have been counted worthy to suffer for Christ. That is what dying to self is all about. When your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, and your opinions ridiculed, and yet you refuse to let anger rise in your heart to try to defend yourself, you are practicing dying to self. When you lovingly and patiently stand face to face with folly and spiritual insensitivity, and endure it as Jesus did, you have died to self. When you are content with any food, money, clothing, climate, society, solitude, or interruption by the will of God, you have died to self. When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, record your own good works, or desire commendation from others, you are dying to self. When you can honestly rejoice with a brother who has prospered and had his needs met and never feel any envy though your needs are greater and still unmet, you have practicing dying to self. When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself, and humbly admit he’s right with no resentment or rebellion in your heart, you have died to self. Are you dead yet?” 

Anonymous

Col 3:1  Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 
Col 3:2  Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. 
Col 3:3  For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 
Col 3:4  When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. 
Col 3:5  Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. 
Col 3:6  For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, 
Col 3:7  and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. 
Col 3:8  But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. 
Col 3:9  Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, 
Col 3:10  and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him-- 
Col 3:11  a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all. 
Col 3:12  So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 
Col 3:13  bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 
Col 3:14  Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. 
Col 3:15  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. 
Col 3:16  Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 

Do You Bear Fruit? ~ Paul Washer

Life After Abortion Trailer

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
    whose sin is covered.
 Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity,
    and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

 For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
    through my groaning all day long.
 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
    my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah

 I acknowledged my sin to you,
    and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
    and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.  Psalm 32:1-5

43% of women in the United States are post abortive. That is a lot of women who need help.

This book is a great tool to help heal from a past abortion. Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane

National Helpline for Abortion Recovery 866-482-5433  Website for the National Helpline

Are You a New Homeschooler or Thinking About it?

Almost two years ago I pulled all three of my boys out of public school. For years I wanted to rescue them out of the system, but my husband and I were no longer on the same page. I was counselled by a wise older women and men to keep them there to avoid family conflict. God saved my husband about five years ago, and out of the blue he told me to pull the boys out. I was super thrilled and yet super scared.

Several years ago I tried homeschooling, my now 16 year old, when he was in second and third grade. At the time I had two babies and I was overwhelmed with the responsibility and intimidated by other homeschooling moms. They seemed confident that they could homeschool ten kids with their lapbooks and science experiment gadgets, milk the cows, reupholster the furniture and preserve jam all in the same day. They also had a different lingo of "What curriculum?" people used and methods that were completely foreign to me. Like an ill-equipped failure of a young mother, I reluctantly re-enrolled my son back in to the public school system. I suppose I can't blame my husband for thinking the way he did.

Later, both of my younger sons were also enrolled, so I decided to work for the school. It was then that I really saw what was going on day to day. So much of what was going on in the school day was never told to the parents. If two children got in to a fight, there was often no report. We were bound as teacher's aides to never speak to the parents regarding their children which, as a mom, was really hard for me.

I also noticed that in a classroom you can't make a child pay attention. The class I worked in was for special needs children who had mild to profound learning disabilities and behavior problems. I had the privilege of working with a dedicated award winning teacher and four other teacher's aides at all time. Talk about the perfect environment for a classroom! While she was giving her science lecture, the boys in the back were messing with their desks and not paying attention. I would tell them to put everything away and listen, but they were in La-La Land. Without one-on-one instruction it is impossible for most children to pay attention all day long. and learning gaps may result.

Before I pulled all three of my boys out, there was a time I had to fulfill my contract with my job at the school. It just so happened that a book called "What a Forth Grader Needs to Know" was in the public school library right next to the boys bathroom where we went everyday. As I stood there outside the restroom waiting for the boys, I browsed through it. I was encouraged that I could homeschool.  I was determined by God's strength that if I was going to do this, I had to go the distance and never re-enroll them ever again in to public school.

If your husband is not on board with homeschooling, keep praying. It is better that your family be unified without strife.  If God changed my husband's heart, He can change your husband. Just remember, you as a parent can counteract anything that is being taught in school. I used a lot of Bible teaching and creation videos on YouTube that really helped my older son discern truth from error. God's word is powerful and it is an amazing tool to help your child to think critically. I'm a product of the public school system and God's sovereignty still saved me. Don't lose heart.

If homeschooling is an option for your family and you're considering it, and maybe your overwhelmed with all of the information and responsibility, first check out Cathy Duffy's book 101 Top Picks for Homeschooling Curriculum here. It's a thick book, but it has a test in the first chapter to help narrow down the curriculum by your child's learning style and your teaching style. It was a life saver!

Homeschooling has been such a blessing on so many levels. One of the big reason is I have all the time I need to share scripture and pray with them. I did this as well when they were in public school, but it's different. I'm not tired from a long day of work, cleaning, homework, dinner, etc. The time I spend with my boys has been the biggest blessing of my life. Too many people try to rush to get their kids out of the house, but before they know it they are grown and gone. Homeschooling has given me that time to savor every moment and get to know them at a deeper level.

Has it been easy? No. Is anything worth fighting for easy? If I were you, if your thinking about homeschooling, pray, hold off on doing too much research, keep it simple and start with the book "101 Top Picks for Homeschooling Curriculum" (Link above). If you need more convincing, check out this article I read this morning "12 Most Compelling Reasons to Homeschool Your Children" here.

To Train Her Children: Young Men's Attitude Towards Women

This is a lecture for college age young men, but I had my sixteen year old watch it. My goal for my boys is to fear and love God with their soul, mind and strength and be godly husbands. Their future wives are depending on me to show my them how to treat them, and that females are not objects to play with emotionally and physically.

"When you are around girls, you treat them with the utmost dignity even though it might even be offensive to them."